Suprise!!! This is your life.....

I have a dresser that is full of tiny little drawers. In the past year these drawers have begun to open by themselves. These drawers for me only open one at a time and only when I am ready to see the contents inside.Inside each drawer contains a" movie." A reel from my past that I have chosen to shut away because it has been to difficult to deal with. Apparently I am now emotionally ready to see  whats inside. I began suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in just the last year and although it can sometimes be frightening at times it is more energizing to me. I have so many missing memories from when I was a child . These drawers contain those memories. For good or for bad they are mine to own and to have. I have learned how to easily shut on and off the "Movies" that I am seeing and move on,  change them in my mind so that they are no longer going to be "harmful or frighting" to me anymore.I have always felt like there was some sort of dust I needed to clean out, something missing in my head, and slowly I am beginning to find out why.I do not have everything yet. I have chosen to allow myself to let out the memories as I am ready to deal with them, as I feel safe to do so. It is interesting how much your mind can control itself and knows how much you can and cannot safely tolerate.
I never would have imagined that I would have been able to deal with the situations that I have and as an adult I have come to terms with my abuser and not only empathize with him but feel remorse for him. I wish he would have had someone in his life that could have been so supportive and loving that could have stepped in and provided him support.I wish he would have had someone that could have stopped the cycle for him. Our Bishop and the counselors I have worked with say it is a very healthy place for me to be in.
I am so thankful that I have had the support from friends and family to be able to get through this time in my life. At first I was very worried because I was afraid that I would never know what or who may trigger something and cause me to open a drawer.Today though I am thankful for the self control that has been returned to me.
It is interesting because I see this control not only in dealing with these drawers as they open and close in my life but as /I deal with my weight. I truly believe that they went hand in hand. When I had my first "flash back" I was terrified. I thought I was going crazy. I thought this was the begging of a long road into...I didn't even know what. However, after several blessings from family and my Bishop and a meeting with a wonderful therapist, I was able to be taught how to control what I began seeing. It didn't scare me. Although it made me sad, it didn't scare me and it helped me begin to transform.
I used to wonder about those missing years of my life, kind of embarrassed and afraid to talk about them . I now know and am no longer afraid. I now have control which I believe caused a huge problem for me with my weight. Normally when I would loose weight, eventually I would begin to see the numbers begin to start to go back up. That hasn't happened. In fact the numbers are going the other direction. I believe that food was covering up a lot of emotions for me. When your mouth is full of food it is easier to give answers  you don't have. Now that I am learning answers I am so happy for that and do not feel like I have a need to cover up any more.
I don't know how many reels those drawers contain. I don't know if they will ever all empty out. That is okay. I will take these "movies" as they are ready to come or as I may need them in my life. There is so much healing that has gone on in my family because of these drawers and I am sure there is so much more.