Suprise!!! This is your life.....

I have a dresser that is full of tiny little drawers. In the past year these drawers have begun to open by themselves. These drawers for me only open one at a time and only when I am ready to see the contents inside.Inside each drawer contains a" movie." A reel from my past that I have chosen to shut away because it has been to difficult to deal with. Apparently I am now emotionally ready to see  whats inside. I began suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in just the last year and although it can sometimes be frightening at times it is more energizing to me. I have so many missing memories from when I was a child . These drawers contain those memories. For good or for bad they are mine to own and to have. I have learned how to easily shut on and off the "Movies" that I am seeing and move on,  change them in my mind so that they are no longer going to be "harmful or frighting" to me anymore.I have always felt like there was some sort of dust I needed to clean out, something missing in my head, and slowly I am beginning to find out why.I do not have everything yet. I have chosen to allow myself to let out the memories as I am ready to deal with them, as I feel safe to do so. It is interesting how much your mind can control itself and knows how much you can and cannot safely tolerate.
I never would have imagined that I would have been able to deal with the situations that I have and as an adult I have come to terms with my abuser and not only empathize with him but feel remorse for him. I wish he would have had someone in his life that could have been so supportive and loving that could have stepped in and provided him support.I wish he would have had someone that could have stopped the cycle for him. Our Bishop and the counselors I have worked with say it is a very healthy place for me to be in.
I am so thankful that I have had the support from friends and family to be able to get through this time in my life. At first I was very worried because I was afraid that I would never know what or who may trigger something and cause me to open a drawer.Today though I am thankful for the self control that has been returned to me.
It is interesting because I see this control not only in dealing with these drawers as they open and close in my life but as /I deal with my weight. I truly believe that they went hand in hand. When I had my first "flash back" I was terrified. I thought I was going crazy. I thought this was the begging of a long road into...I didn't even know what. However, after several blessings from family and my Bishop and a meeting with a wonderful therapist, I was able to be taught how to control what I began seeing. It didn't scare me. Although it made me sad, it didn't scare me and it helped me begin to transform.
I used to wonder about those missing years of my life, kind of embarrassed and afraid to talk about them . I now know and am no longer afraid. I now have control which I believe caused a huge problem for me with my weight. Normally when I would loose weight, eventually I would begin to see the numbers begin to start to go back up. That hasn't happened. In fact the numbers are going the other direction. I believe that food was covering up a lot of emotions for me. When your mouth is full of food it is easier to give answers  you don't have. Now that I am learning answers I am so happy for that and do not feel like I have a need to cover up any more.
I don't know how many reels those drawers contain. I don't know if they will ever all empty out. That is okay. I will take these "movies" as they are ready to come or as I may need them in my life. There is so much healing that has gone on in my family because of these drawers and I am sure there is so much more.

"One way to measure your success is to listen to how your child talks about you to his friends."

I was in the kitchen on Friday after school making a snack for Mason and a few of his friends. They were all sitting at the bar and they just made me smile to listen to their chatter. Calvin had to tell me all about how he had the best time in flex because a girl was flirting with him. Jared was rolling his eyes and Mason was just laughing at them both.
They then started on the subject of how cool it was going to be when Calvin got his learners permit next year. Calvin is the oldest of the group of friends, and he will be driving about six months ahead of the rest of them.
On and on they went. I just kept cooking and they kept chatting away. I love the fact that they will sit and talk with me, tell me about school, about girls, about whatever they want to talk about. I am glad I have that relationship with Mason and am happy his friends feel comfortable enough to talk to me as well.
They are all such a good group of boys. I have to be honest it makes me a little teary eyed to think of any of them getting driver licences, that will come and go and the next thing I know they will be talking about where they want to go on their missions. Oh wait, they're already doing that. I think our little boys our growing into young men.

Scarred for life or have I created a monster...

As I stated in a previous post that I am a huge fan of haunted houses but I didn't pass this on to my son. He always has been scared but today he got over the fear and now he's hooked.

At church on Sunday one of Mason's friends asked if he could go with them to Nightmare on 13th street. I told him he could ask Mason but he probably wouldn't go. So Sunday evening Jared and his dad came over to hang out for a bit. They convinced Mason to go or so they thought. Yesterday he was so excited about it, today was a different story. When I got home from work Mason said he was sick and did not want to go. I told him he needed to call Jared and let know. But he should tell him he didn't want to go not that he was sick. Jared and Calvin came over to get Mason and he told them he wasn't going. they tried to talk him into it but Mason wasn't budging. Jared told him to call if he changed his mind.

He struggled for the next fifteen minutes and then he decided to go. He called Jared to tell him he was coming and off he went.

When I told Eric he went he said watch when he comes through the door he is going to say "Thanks Mom you scarred me for life." How wrong Eric was. Mason came bouncing in the door talking one hundred miles an hour. He said after he threw up he had a blast and couldn't wait to go back.

I am so excited that I now have a companion in my love of being spooked and look forward to taking Mason to haunted houses. We are hoping to hit a few before the end of the week.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Yes, I know that is normally a phrase you hear at Christmastime. However, for me back to school time and the beginnings of fall is my favorite. I love the first day of school, it makes me happy to get Mason back on a structured schedule. Not to say I do not enjoy the fun freedom of summer. But there is just something about knowing day in and day out exactly what is going on.
Although this year I have really struggled. About two weeks ago we found out that Mason was not allowed to transfer to his old school, so he was going to have to attend the local school. I do not know who it has been harder on him or me. So on Monday with a knot in my stomach I registered him in a new school, where he knows no one, and has to make friends over again.I try not to let him see my tears and I hope that they will eventually stop. I have prayed that Mason will be strong and it seems that my prayers have been answered. The first day of school Mason called when he got home and said he hated school and couldn't we just move back home. Today was better. I pray that next week the upward trend will continue.

Nothing feels better...

I used to have a huge phobia of going to the Dentist. I can remember as a child having a dental assistant hold me down while a dentist pulled out two of my teeth. The teeth needed to be pulled because the permanent teeth had grown in and the baby teeth were not even loose. So yes they needed to be removed but that removal cost me many years of anxiety and fear.
I went for years without ever going to the dentist but I paid for it. Physically, emotional and of coarse financially.
I chipped my front tooth when I was about 10 and had to have a crown put on. I remember that visit like it was yesterday. The anxiety I had made me barely able to breathe. That dentist did a horrible job and I was so self conscious about my smile I would usually try to cover my mouth when I was talking, laughing or smiling.
When I got pregnant with Mason my teeth began to fall apart. I had to have one pulled, a root canal, and my wisdom teeth all began to bother me. Because of the anxiety I had they felt I shouldn't have any work until after I had the baby. I had the one tooth pulled and continued to suffer.
I suffered for several years until I couldn't stand it anymore. That's when I found Dr. Bret.

The Sleep Doctor.

I was sedated and had a cleaning and an examination of work I needed done. The list was long but I began to chip away at it tooth by tooth. I also began to not be as fearful. I would let them clean my teeth without having to be sedated, but still needed it for the work.
Although I have to say I haven't had to have any work done in over 5 years.
Mason and I faithfully go together every 6 months and he sits and watches while I have my teeth cleaned. I usually leave nail marks in the arms of the chair because I am squeezing it so hard but I do my best to try not to let Mason see my fear.
He loves to go to the dentist. He hasn't had a cavity in four years. On Monday when went they gave us our goodie bags. In them are some referral cards for a free cleaning and exam. Mason goes " Cool can I use this for a free cleaning, nothing feels better then having your teeth cleaned."
After all of these years of stress and anxiety, I actually now have to agree with my boy, he is such an amazing role model for me.

Two for One

Yeah!!! for the first day of spring. The sky is blue, the birds are singing, and you can feel the sun in the air.
Today is not only special because it is the first day of spring but it most special because it is my baby's birthday.
Now I should be worried because today I have become the mother of a teenager.
The big 13, an official teenager.
I am joking really because I couldn't ask for a better child.
Mason is such a wonderful boy and although he tests and tries me at times he is a good kid.
I am so very grateful to Heavenly Father that he blessed me with such a incredible son. He is funny, and bright, and sensitive, and caring and I couldn't ask for more in a son.
Happy Birthday Guido - - -
We love you !!!

What is a spankfest???

I have forgone Wordless Wednesday today for a story that I would love to share.
Mason and I were coming out of the store yesterday. There was a women walking out ahead of us who was screaming at her little girl. She put her daughter in the car, pretty much slamming her into her car seat and continued to scream at her going on and on telling her to shut up and if she didn't shut up she would give her something to cry about. She said, "She and her were going to have a little spankfest right there in the parking lot."
Mason and I started to put our groceries in the car. I was trying to hurry as my temperature was rising, it was taking everything I could muster not to say something to this ignorant, abusive, bully of a women. Mason kept looking at me and then looking at the little girl. I was shocked when he walked over to the women and interrupted her. He said " Excuse me mam but could I take your cart back for you" She stopped looked at him and quietly said " Sure, Thank you and looked at me and said what a polite young man you have raised." I bit my tongue and as tears ran down my face got into my car and waited for my polite little boy to return. I was so angry I wanted to scream at this women but chose the better path. I got in my car and wrote down the description and license plate number of her car.
When Mason got back in the car he looked at me and said "I love you, Mom." I told him "I love you too and thank you for taking the cart back" I then asked him why he had taken the ladies cart back. He said, " Well I thought maybe if I did something nice for her, she would stop being mean to her little girl, besides I do not know that I wanted to see a spankfest. Whatever, that is."
I have to say that I am so proud of how my little boy is growing up. He is so compassionate and caring for others. My heart is not only filled with pride but also gratitude. I am so grateful that I have been given such a sweet spirit to raise here on this earth. I am so grateful that I have been able to bring my son up without having to use physical and mentally threatening tactics in order for him mind or follow instruction, and finally I am so grateful to have a good friends that work at the Department of Child and Family Services, who can pay a little visit to said women.
I realize that sometimes people can lose control and just because they are screaming at their child in public doesn't necessarily mean that they are abusive in the home. But you know I will sleep better tonight knowing that I may have made a difference in that little girls life, maybe there would never be a spankfest, and just maybe that women will think twice about screaming at her daughter in public again.

"Our lives end the day we become silent about things that matter"
- Martin Luther King Jr.

Clark, have you seen Superman?

So the contact lens dilemma is now over. After one and a half hours at the optometrists he successfully got them in and took them out. Yeah! Now I think my boy is handsome with or without glasses. But he is ecstatic.




As we left the
doctor's he proceeded to talk about how the sky was bluer, the mountains were clearer, and everything looked so much more beautiful. I didn't want to burst his bubble and tell him that was because his glasses were always dirty(: What a wonderful feeling to see your child sooo very happy. I love it!!!

I am going to look so good without my glasses, Mom

That's what all his friends say. So I guess the contacts were a self -esteem issue. I had forgotten how bad I hated to wear my glasses.But you have to give me a break it was only 1/4 of a century ago.
Although lenses today are not meant to be. The doctor ordered one right lens and two left ones to try out. He thought that the left one was going to be hard to fit. After 45 minutes of trying to get them in, the left one fit perfectly but we are going to need to wait for a different sized right one to be ordered. Now hopefully the right one will fit when it gets in.
On the ride home Mason said very sadly, " I don't think contacts are right for me." I thought my heart would break. What a struggle for my poor boy to have to deal with the self-esteem issue of wearing glasses versus the fear of putting contacts in his eyes. I am guessing he is going to overcome his fear though, he is already talking about the next time we go to the eye doctors.

But Mom, everyone is wearing them...

So my baby is growing up and quickly at that. I ran out of the house the other day really quickly because I was running late to an appointment. When I got home I noticed my tennis shoes sitting on the stairs. I looked down at my feet and realized, I was in such a hurry I had put on Mason's shoes instead of mine. I was blown away at the fact that Mason and I have the same size feet. I just cannot believe it. Now if I could just fit into his clothes.
Anyway, he has been bugging us since he started Jr. High to get him contact lenses. He says it is so he can play sports better, but I just do not know. He has played sports for the past seven years in glasses and does just fine. But we finally gave in for Christmas we gave him a Gift Certificate for a examination and lenses. We went to the appointment today and his trial lenses for fitting were ordered.

So were am I going with this. Well I have to say I think we are just going down hill or uphill(Whichever way you want to look at it.) Next thing I know girls are going to start calling.