Not a day to late....

Today while at my hairdresser's she was telling me how she had just returned from her sister-in-law's funeral. A sister-in-law that she had never met, even though she and her husband had been married for 26 years, a sister-in-law that lives less then 50 miles from her, a sister-in-law that is in the same state.
Her husband and his sister had a falling out several years before they had married and they had never spoke since. At least until he got a phone call that his sister had only one hour left to live. He rushed to her side and they made their amends, she then passed away.
As Jan was telling me this story tears were in my eyes as I thought of my husband and his family. I thought of all the years that could have continued to be wasted. I am so thankful that we are no longer in this place with his family and that won't ever have to worry that we waited until it was too late.

Wordfull Wednesday....

Thanks Heather!!!

Wordless Wednesday...

I love you, Pass it on.....

I am not one for making resolutions. I don't believe in them and I don't think I ever will. However there are things that I will do differently in the new year and when 2012 comes to an end I will not look back on the year with regret.
One of the best things I have done so far is to let people know how much I care about them and how much they mean to me. I spent some time this holiday season writing to many of the people that made a difference in my life. People that I don't know how I would have ever made it through without. People that have changed the course and direction of my life. However large or small they made a difference. Some of those people I really haven't "talked" to in years.
One of these people was the mother of my best friend in grade school, Helen. I happened to run into her at my cousin's funeral. I have seen her from time to time around town when we would be down visiting my grandmother. We would make small talk, idle chatter. Never anything meaningful, and I have never told her how much I appreciated all that she had done for me. So I let her know.
Interestingly, the next week, two of my childhood friends stopped by my grandmothers house. They shared with her how much they appreciated both she and my grandfather. They reminisced about the great memories we had shared and really brightened my grandmothers day.
I realized that day that I saw Helen at that funeral that I was never going to let another moment go by without telling her how much she mean to me. I was never going to let others know how much they mean to me. So when the opportunity arises I will let them know and if they don't reciprocate that is fine. I just want to show my appreciation and love for those who have made a difference to me in my life. I am no longer holding back telling people how much I love them and I am going to pass it on....

Thought for the day......

Not to me either....

Thought of the day.....

Thanks Sue

Thought of the day.....

Thank you all for being a very important and much needed part of my life. May life give you as many blessings as each of you has given me.

This is the text I woke up to from my baby brother this morning. How could one ask for a better greeting to the day???I am so thankful that I have such wonderful people in my life.

Ye of little faith....

Can I just start out by saying that my husband is....

  AMAZING!!!

He has become quite the little house father while he has been off from work. He not only cleans but he has been looking up wonderful recipes to try and cook each and every night so I come home from work with a wonderful meal on the table. It has been quite the treat. 

Two weeks ago, he sent me a text and told me that the TV had died. We talked about buying a new one but just felt that with him being out of a job it really couldn't happen. We went and got out old TV from the playroom in the basement. (Interesting enough this is the TV we bought the year we were married so it is 19 years old.)It's not a bad TV, it is good sized, still works after all of these years, and all that is wrong with it is the power button doesn't work.

When I got home from work that evening Eric told me he had figured out what was wrong with the TV and  was going to fix it. I laughed and said,"Okay, you go right ahead and fix the TV." He was really excited and told me it was going to cost less then $20 dollars to fix our $500.00 TV. I still showed little enthusiasm, but figured it was a nice little project for him to work on. 

Last Monday when the part came he was like a little boy on Christmas day. So excited and he couldn't wait to get started. He had picked up his soldering equipment on Monday afternoon and was planning to begin the project on Tuesday. 

I just smiled as he talked about it. what little did I know, and shame on me for having such little faith in my husband. 

When I left for work on Tuesday, I kissed him goodbye and told him not to burn the house down. 

Two hours later he sent me this picture.... 

This is the $1.20 part that many people just throw away there TV's for... 

 Shame on me for not having a little trust and faith in my husband. He showed me. So the next time he tells me he can fix something, I guess I won't just worry that he is going to burn the house down.

Struggling with service.....

I had my life all mapped out. I was planning on being an attorney. One of the youngest female attorneys ever to graduate from BYU. Then life changed.
I got a part time job at 18 at an ICFMR working with children with physical and mental disabilities. I received my CNA license and never looked back at that other map.
My direction changed and here I am 21 years later working in the Human Service Field and never regretting a day of it. I love what I do and I love giving service to others.
Not one person was shocked, other then myself when the bishop called me in the office about two months ago. I was a little nervous when the conversation was opened by being asked if I had a passport. I laughed and said I didn't need a passport to teach primary. I was called that day as the Humanitarian specialist.
Everyone says this is my true calling. I guess it must be because I have never struggled so much. It has weighed heavy on my heart.
So many question come to my mind. Why do people serve? Why don't they serve? Shouldn't they serve with out having to be begged to do so? The questions go on and on.....
and then we were at a meeting and it happened. One of my fellow sisters made a comment and I lost it. The statement was made that she might not work quite so fast on her projects because what we are working on was going to North Korea.
I asked her if those children hurt differently, did they cry different tears, did they suffer less, was their pain different? And even if these things all were different weren't they too children of our Heavenly Father?
Then I felt bad. I began to question why I served, why others served, why bother.  I guess I should have kept my mouth shut but I just couldn't it. Since that time I have searched through the scriptures, reading and re-reading everything pertaining to service. I have come to the conclusion that I know why we should serve and I know why I have dedicated the past 21 years of my life to serving and with continue to do so. There will be no wavering my commitment to serving others. Not now or ever again.

Suprise!!! This is your life.....

I have a dresser that is full of tiny little drawers. In the past year these drawers have begun to open by themselves. These drawers for me only open one at a time and only when I am ready to see the contents inside.Inside each drawer contains a" movie." A reel from my past that I have chosen to shut away because it has been to difficult to deal with. Apparently I am now emotionally ready to see  whats inside. I began suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in just the last year and although it can sometimes be frightening at times it is more energizing to me. I have so many missing memories from when I was a child . These drawers contain those memories. For good or for bad they are mine to own and to have. I have learned how to easily shut on and off the "Movies" that I am seeing and move on,  change them in my mind so that they are no longer going to be "harmful or frighting" to me anymore.I have always felt like there was some sort of dust I needed to clean out, something missing in my head, and slowly I am beginning to find out why.I do not have everything yet. I have chosen to allow myself to let out the memories as I am ready to deal with them, as I feel safe to do so. It is interesting how much your mind can control itself and knows how much you can and cannot safely tolerate.
I never would have imagined that I would have been able to deal with the situations that I have and as an adult I have come to terms with my abuser and not only empathize with him but feel remorse for him. I wish he would have had someone in his life that could have been so supportive and loving that could have stepped in and provided him support.I wish he would have had someone that could have stopped the cycle for him. Our Bishop and the counselors I have worked with say it is a very healthy place for me to be in.
I am so thankful that I have had the support from friends and family to be able to get through this time in my life. At first I was very worried because I was afraid that I would never know what or who may trigger something and cause me to open a drawer.Today though I am thankful for the self control that has been returned to me.
It is interesting because I see this control not only in dealing with these drawers as they open and close in my life but as /I deal with my weight. I truly believe that they went hand in hand. When I had my first "flash back" I was terrified. I thought I was going crazy. I thought this was the begging of a long road into...I didn't even know what. However, after several blessings from family and my Bishop and a meeting with a wonderful therapist, I was able to be taught how to control what I began seeing. It didn't scare me. Although it made me sad, it didn't scare me and it helped me begin to transform.
I used to wonder about those missing years of my life, kind of embarrassed and afraid to talk about them . I now know and am no longer afraid. I now have control which I believe caused a huge problem for me with my weight. Normally when I would loose weight, eventually I would begin to see the numbers begin to start to go back up. That hasn't happened. In fact the numbers are going the other direction. I believe that food was covering up a lot of emotions for me. When your mouth is full of food it is easier to give answers  you don't have. Now that I am learning answers I am so happy for that and do not feel like I have a need to cover up any more.
I don't know how many reels those drawers contain. I don't know if they will ever all empty out. That is okay. I will take these "movies" as they are ready to come or as I may need them in my life. There is so much healing that has gone on in my family because of these drawers and I am sure there is so much more.

Moments in time....

"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children." ~ Charles R. Swindoll

Today I was reminded how precious the memories we instill in our children are. As we were sitting in Sacrament meeting my nephew Tiko looked up at me and asked if I remembered the first day that Mason had passed the sacrament. I told him "Yes." and asked "Why?" He said, "Well, when I am old enough to pass the sacrament, Mason will be gone on his mission but will you be there?" I told him "Sure, I will be there." We then sat there quiet, I looked at him as he watched Mason as he passed the sacrament. He saw me watching him, he reached over, grabbed my hand, kissed it and said, " I love you Aunt Jenny."

With tears, I hugged him and said "I love you too."

What an amazing experience. I realize that as parents we make notes of our children's milestones, preserving them in our minds to recall at a later date. I don't know why but I never really thought about how our children preserved those memories or what caused them to recall them at some later time. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to have been able to share these moments with the children in my family. It makes me proud to know that they are special to them and that they play an important part of their lives.

So long, farewell ....

Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye....
Read about my exciting seperation from my safety net!!!
Here

One....

As the soot and ash rained down, we became one color.
As we carried each other down the stairs, we became one class.
As we lit candles of hope, we became one generation.
As the firefighters and police rushed into the inferno,

we became one gender.
As we fell to our knees in prayer, we became one faith.
As we gave our blood in lines mile long, we became one body.
As we mourned together, we became one family.
As we cried tears of grief, we became one soul.
As we retell with pride the sacrifice of heroes, we became one people.
We are one color, one class, one generation,

one gender, one faith, one body, one family, one soul, one people.
We are the power of one.

~Unknown

Voice of the Spirit....

What a wonderful lesson in this disposable and noisy time!!!

The Big Easy.....

New Orleans will always hold a special place in my heart. Eric and I went drove down there three weeks before our wedding to help my Mother move to Utah. What a beautiful city!!! So full of energy. The people with there southern hospitality. Music always in the air and the sweet smell of jasmine and honeysuckle.

That is until.....
and it made me so sad because I was seeing images of places I had been, people hurting and suffering and all of this going on, not in some far away third world country but right here in the good old USA. I became really depressed because I felt so helpless. I donated what I could. I worked with my company to ready ourselves in case they sent individuals with disabilities to Utah for temporary placement. But it never happened. No one seemed to be receiving help or assistance. I remember seeing this written by a reporter in TIME magazine and thought WOW!!! Is this really happening?

"How, then, did we get here? How did the richest country on Earth end up watching children cry for food in putrid encampments on the evening news? How did reporters reach crowds of the desperate in places where police, troops and emergency responders had not yet been--three days after the storm?" -- Time magazine



After the water's receded and the clean-up began. X's began to appear on the homes in New Orleans. As these images appeared it was horrifying to know what that these numbers meant how many bodies had been pulled from the home. Over 1800 people died across the gulf coast.

Now here we are five years later. Rebuilding has happened, lessons have been learned and people have moved on. New Orleans is on it's way to returning to the beautiful city it once was.

Although, it might not be the happiest of anniversaries for some it a great reminder of how resilient and forgiving our country can be. What amazing hope and faith the people of New Orleans have had. It reminds me that if we cannot learn a lesson through knowledge, Heavenly Father will send us a trial to learn the lesson by.

A mantra for that eternal perspective.....

"As we pass through the trials of life, let us keep an eternal perspective, let us not complain, let us become even more prayerful, let us serve others, and let us forgive one another.”

~James B. Martino
All I can say is as I read this one it was a WOW!!! moment.
Keep an eternal perspective!!!!

So simple,yet so complex.

There couldn't be a more perfect mantra to remember.

To pray about, to pray for.

Tomorrow may be a different day.....

Never take some one for granted,
Hold every person close to your heart,
Because you might wake up one day and realize,
That you have lost a diamond,
While you were too busy collecting stones.

A few weeks ago my boss and I were having a discussion about Traumatic Brain Injury. We were discussing how difficult and frustrating it was to support people with this specific disability. I was sharing with her how I had created a specific section in a training I had done.In this training I put my staff in the place of a person with a TBI so they could better empathize with them, and not be so easily frustrated. I always talked about how they could walk out the door after the training and have their lives changed by a Traumatic Brain Injury forever.

My boss did not come to work the next day. Her husband was in a horrible accident and has been in a medically induced coma ever since. She thought he was out in the garage when she went to bed that night, they were planning on going on a trip for the holiday weekend to break in their new ATV's. Her husband may never walk again, let alone ride on an ATV.

I have another friend who just delivered their 3rd child. This baby was born 2 months early. This baby also lived for 5 hours. They were told that the baby would never live outside the womb early in the pregnancy, but chose to carry him a long as possible and give him the opportunity to receive a name, a blessing, and meet his family here on earth. If only for a moment.

In the grand scheme of things those we love will always be in our lives. Yet, we need to let them know we love them, tell them we care, bring them close to us once again. We never know what tomorrow will bring.

Take a deep breath and scream....

I have been so negative lately. I do not know why but everything has been rubbing me the wrong way. So early this morning, I put on my hiking shoes and went for a nice long walk. Once I got up to the the bottom of the "G" on the Mountain the view was amazing. The sun was just coming up behind me and began to wake up the valley. As I sat there it came to me how simple it all is. I just need to breath and not scream. Breath in and let all of those irritants just go right out. As long as I am in town I think I will make it a tradition to take that hike every Saturday and just breathe.

Be loyal to the absent...

Friends are such a complex thing. Last post I was praising them. This one not so much.

Yesterday, I had a friend that lost her job. It was such sad news to hear because of all of the many years this woman had dedicated to this company. Another one of my friends who worked for the same company lost her job earlier last month.

Well apparently this second friend blamed the first friend for losing her job, so yesterday on facebook she was gloating about how this woman had lost her job. She had tried to mirror her gloating under the guise of Karma.

It made me so sad to see. I had always looked up to this person. She was such a happy, friendly person. It bothered me all night long and I felt like I had to say something to her about it. So when I said something to her, instead of her recognizing maybe she shouldn't have been rejoicing in the misfortune of another, what did she do but drop me as a friend.

It is really sad because she will never know how much my first friend fought to try to keep her job for her. I tried to tell her this but her anger seems to be controlling her, hopefully someday she will find her peace. I feel better because I did not let it go and just sit back and let my friend be bad mouthed. One of the most important things I have learned in life is to never be afraid to say what you think and stand behind it. So if I lose a friend over it, maybe they weren't a friend I wanted to have in the first place.

Choosing the better path....

I did something earlier today that I would truly like to apologize for. I wrote on open letter to someone who does her best to hurt me whenever she possibly can.

The problem is I always allow myself to fall for it. I get hurt and upset, get mad and try to hurt back. She has done this for years and I have let her have the control for way to long.

However, something just clicked this afternoon. A friend emailed me to ask what had happened this time. As I was explaining the situation I realized that once again I was choosing to let her actions cause me to be upset. It is now time for me to choose the better path. To not allow her actions to effect me so negatively. To continue to understand that we all have to be responsible for our own actions and we will all one day have to be accountable for the way that we treat others. That I need to just continue to love her, because she is my sister, because she is a member of my family. That I need to continue to not allow myself to become upset by her actions because they are the actions of someone who themselves is hurting and is not happy in their own lives.

So with the post deleted, I want to apologize to those of you who read it. It wasn't appropriate and was written in a moment of anger and frustration. Please wish me luck on "Choosing the better path" in the future.